I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
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My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Last-minute gift idea!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I have so many questions.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday