Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.