I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
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According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
he looks great for his age
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
The point of your 20s
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]