“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
You Might Also Like
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear