You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
You Might Also Like
I am, perchance
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Most fashion shows these days…
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
crying
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“OMGJK” -atheists
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.