Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.