Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
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No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Everyone’s family
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.