“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
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FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Why am I like this?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Monday Lisa
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!