She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby