Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?