I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.