Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So creative 😂

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Seek kebab; not attention

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.