My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
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we did it you guys we saved daylight
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I fixed it. For me
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.