Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
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As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.