Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

Holy moly

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.