First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
The 6 types of sex
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*