I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
You Might Also Like
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws