Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No. He’s not coming out to play

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.