Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
You wish you had this many chins.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now