I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
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that de-escalated quickly
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂