“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Breaking news:
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!