Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

going to bed

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.