5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Realize this:
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.