Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Smells like a challenge to me
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating