Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

i’m so old i’m almost back in style