The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
You Might Also Like
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’