why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
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Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The Weeknd is back
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die