Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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Me trying to reach for my goals
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Nothing to do, you say?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train