Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.