If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳![]()
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.