Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.