At an art museum and I thought this was art
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THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.