Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.