They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
you stereotypes are all alike
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.