A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg