If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏