a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms