If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
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Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Banking tips
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.