I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO