Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

My dream job is getting paid to dream

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank