Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
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My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
About to throw up
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree