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Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Who.
Did.
This?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
crying
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode