Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

greetings!

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀