Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

#oldknees

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*