Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
There’s only one good girl here!
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”