yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Stick it to the man
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses