Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief