Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
