hey, alexa
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
not seeing the problem
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on