Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*